Zombie Lake Movie Review
|Release: 1981, Rated: NR, Runtime: 90 min.|
I didn’t know that Zombie Lake was considered the worst zombie movie of all time before watching it, yet now that the movie has splashed FIN on the screen, I can honestly say, without a doubt, that Zombie Lake is a giant steaming pile of crap, destined to nestle itself deep into your brain, like some sort of bug and pick away at your brain cells one at time. I can 100% tell you that this movie, is godawful and deserves to be sent down into the lake, along with all the other Nazi Zombies. That’s the quick and dirty review of Zombie Lake, if you’re interested in knowing more about this festering turd, read on, but fair warning, I spoil the shit out of the film…
Short nitty-gritty plot description from IMDb is as follows: In a small village, somewhere in France, German soldiers, killed and thrown into the lake by the Resistance during WW II, come back.
|I think that’s french for “The Lake of Deadly Crap”|
Okay, so I turn on Zombie Lake, a french movie with dubbed voices, oblivious to the fact that I was about to witness cinematic abortion and am pleasantly surprised to see that not even 30 seconds into the movie, we are getting full frontal nudity (of the female kind, sorry ladies). So, I’m thinking, great, this movie is going to rock the house. Another 30 seconds in and we see the birthday suit wearing woman, tanning in the nude, as the camera slowly pans up her body, not shying away from the giant 70’s bush she’s got going on. We cut to her tearing down the no swimming sign, cause dammit, she’s going swimming no matter what. She jumps into the dirtiest lake this side of the sewage system and after some completely soft core camera angles, we get our first taste of Nazi Zombie action, by the way of a horribly wearing make-up Nazi Zombie, that drifts up from the bottom of the lake (or should I say swimming pool) and feasts on nimble flesh.
|Aww, Nazi Zombie Twins!|
Things aren’t off to a bad start if you ask me, but suddenly without warning, the film takes a sudden and tragic dive into feces-ville. We’re introduced to the lake neighboring town (somewhere in France, I have no idea where, it never tells you) and it’s fellow inhabitants. They’re expressing concern over the missing girl and one guy goes to see the mayor, played by Howard Vernon. (Director Jean Rollin uses him a lot, I guess. I’ve only seen one other Jean Rollin film and it too was awful, yet in true fashion, had some great nudity.) The mayor says he’ll contact the police if she doesn’t show up soon, but it’s too late! The wandering Nazi Zombie attacks again, this time biting the neck of a woman, well not really biting, more like mouth raping her neck. After one strange scene, where the entire town join in on carrying the dead woman’s body through the streets, to the mayor’s door, word gets out and a journalist from Paris has come into town seeking questions about this mysterious lake, aptly named “The Lake of Ghosts”. The mayor explains to the lady that a couple years ago, during WWII, some towns folk ambushed a group of Nazi’s and killed them and deposited their bodies in the lake. Without a proper burial, the Nazi Zombies have risen up and are seeking revenge. (Oh yeah, one of the Nazi Zombies, before dieing, made bumpty-bump with a local town girl and got her preggers, which plays a role later on in the film.)
|As you can see, the special effects are amazing!|
So, where was I? We jump ahead again to present time (looks like the seventies, but supposed to be 1950-something) and a van full of, what I can only describe as lesbian volleyball players, parks near the lake and immediately take off all their clothes and go frolicking in the water. (Interesting note, the under water shots show them up to their neck in water, yet above water, it’s only up to their knees. I assume this continuity problem is intentional, so we can see constant lady bits (i.e. 70’s bush).) Surprise, surprise, the group are attacked by the Nazi Zombies and only one escapes (topless, of course). She runs into the local bar and exclaims aloud: “the lake, the lake!” before passing out (still topless). Finally, the mayor realizes maybe he should call the police, so he does and they send two guys, who immediately get eaten by the Nazi Zombies (fine french police work there).
|The lead actor has just realized what a crap movie this is.|
Now, about that earlier part with the pregnant woman. The mother died during child birth, but the child is now older and the Nazi Zombie father wants to reconnect with her (you can’t make this shit up). The Nazi Zombie father does meet up with her and gives her a necklace that her mother gave him, just before he died and the child is delighted to meet her father, not scared or terrified, but extremely delighted. This little story line actually does have some meaning to the plot (hahaha, plot). We learn that the other Nazi Zombies don’t like this Nazi Zombie father having a daughter, so we get an amazing Nazi Zombie fist fight, which last way longer than it should. The Nazi Zombie father will protect his daughter no matter the cost. The mayor uses this tactic to convince the daughter to betray her Nazi Zombie father and get all of them together so they can burn them, as apocalyptic fire is the only thing that will stop them, or you know, a flamethrower. So, will the unnamed daughter betray her Nazi Zombie father, or will she run off into the lake happily ever after? Will we get to see anymore genitalia? Will I ever recover my sanity? We may never know!
|Picture is enough, don’t need to say anything else.|
Zombie Lake is riddled with continuity problems. The Nazi Zombies will literately appear all over the place: near the lake, near the town, all around. The number of Nazi Zombies increase and decrease constantly and remember that van full of volleyball players (the dubbed line in the movie, says they are basketball players), the number of girls changes constantly during the scene (I didn’t notice at first, cause come on, they’re nude). The green make up on the Nazi Zombies washes away during scenes. The film has the budget quality of a low grade backyard porno. I’m not sure how a movie with so much full frontal nudity, can be so damn boring, but it somehow manages to put a weird coma-induced state on you, so fair warning, you may never wake up after watching this!
|Not without my daughter!|
This is by far the longest review of a movie I ever had on this site and I’m thinking you probably didn’t read a damn bit of it. I don’t blame you, I mainly wanted to write it all down so the people that find my body will know what happened. Zombie Lake, is the kind of film that you pop in when you have a lot of people over and you want to torture them. You may get a laugh here and there and you may have a good time, or you could spontaneously combust. It’s hard to say, but I’m thinking you’ll have a hell of time getting through this cinematic waste of space. Fin.
Number of times I said Nazi Zombie/s? 21