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    Monday, 18 March 2013

    Piranha 3DD Movie Review

    Release: 2012, Rating: R, Runtime: 83 min. 

    Oh god, oh dear god! I feel kinda ill, but I can't quite put my finger on why I feel like someone just shat in my mouth. What could it be? Could it be that Thai food I just ate? Nah, that can't be it. Maybe my dog secretly pooped in my mouth? Hmm, probably not. Wait, oh god, it can't be can it? Could it be the godawful, festering turd of a film called Piranha 3DD, that I just recently saw make a plop on my tv screen? Yeah, it's totally that. That's totally the reason why I have the taste of shit in my mouth...

    Short nitty-gritty plot description from IMDb is as follows: After the events at Lake Victoria, the pre-historic school of blood-thirsty piranhas make their way into a newly opened waterpark.


    The CGI is pretty awful.

    Okay, the first Piranha movie, Piranha 3D, isn't Shakespeare, it's not even Michael Bay, but it still wasn't that awful of a movie. It had some great nudity and the massacre on the lake was a lot of fun (that sounded way more serial killerish than I wanted it to). Which really begs the question, what the hell happened with the sequel, Piranha 3DD? It's almost like a super low budget company (*cough* Asylum *cough*) got ahold of the rights to make the movie and decided to outsource it to an even crappier company, who then decided to allow their stepchildren to write and direct the movie.

    I don't remember what he is saying here, but I think it had something to do with boobies.

    The "story" and I use the word so freaking lightly, it's a wafer, has the piranhas being unleashed on a waterpark (an hour in that is), that is owned and operated by David Koechner, in a role that he probably took, just so he could stare at numerous amounts of naked woman, which this film has plenty of. I'm usually gung-ho for nudity, but this time around, the woman feel kinda off, with tons of plastic surgery and looking like they all got picked up from a seedy $1 strip club. I feel like I need a hepatitis shot after seeing this film.

    Captain! She's about to blow!

    Anyway, the godawful CGI looking piranhas eat a bunch of people and Danielle Panabaker, along with her friends, try to save the day. They aren't alone though, as David Hasselhoff himself shows up, as David Hasselhoff and honestly he is one of the only reasons to watch this dreck, as any scene that he is in, is hilarious and he almost saves the film, almost. The only other small reasons are the two returning stars from the first movie, Christopher Lloyd, as the crazy Mr. Goodman and Ving Rhames, as the legless Deputy Fallon (now wielding shotgun legs, Robert Rodriguez did you direct this movie?). Besides the aforementioned funny scenes with the Hoff, the worst thing going for the film, is the juvenile humor. It borderlines on low-brow and to me, never once seemed funny, but just sad.

    Who knew that the Hoff could almost save a film.

    This ladies and gentleman is going to be a short review, as I feel like I've already wasted enough time on this one. I don't recommend Piranha 3DD and if by chance you had the desire to see it, I strongly urge you to just watch this Youtube clip instead, as it's the funniest part of the movie. The only thing I can say for Piranha 3DD, is no amount of silicone can keep this movie afloat (god, I've been holding on that line for awhile).

    Rating: 1/5 (The Hoff deserves at least a one, right? Right? Anyone? Hello?)

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    Michael Tatlock

    I love horror movies and I want you to love them as well.

    Website: From the Mind of Tatlock

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    Item Reviewed: Piranha 3DD Movie Review Rating: 5 Reviewed By: Michael Tatlock
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