Lumberjack Man – Movie Review

Horror

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If I am to praise Lumberjack Man about one thing and one thing only, it would be the wonderful amount of boobs present in this flick. It’s rare that a minute doesn’t pass by without some sort of flesh being thrown in your face. If my site was to rate a movie based on nudity alone, which I’ll admit does happen sometimes, I would give this movie a pretty high score, but unfortunately, I just can’t bring myself to give this movie a great rating when everything else about the flick is downright terrible. The acting is lousy, the attempts at humour are cringe worthy and a plot involving an undead lumberjack trying to eat some flapjacks covered in blood is… well, dumb. I will give the movie this, though, there are some pretty cool kills and the gore is not bad. If you think boobies and blood are going to make you happy, great! Nevertheless, be sure to read on…

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[tabby title=”Plot Summary”]

Lumberjack Man

As the staff of Good Friends Church Camp prepares for a spring break filled with “Fun Under the Son”, a demon logger rises from his sap boiler to wreak his vengeance and feast on flapjacks soaked in the blood of his victims.

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Lumberjack Man flapjacks

An undead lumberjack with a taste for flapjacks rises up from his grave to make a hearty breakfast. He doesn’t like syrup, for reasons I won’t mention, but he does like blood. Lucky for him, a group of horny teenagers is heading to a church camp to be counselors for the summer. Every single one of them is ready to jump each other’s bones and waste no time in making whoopee in the woods. The lumberjack man seems to show up at the worst time and is always causing some sort of coitus interruptus and killing off the kids in gory fashion, making sure to coat his flapjacks with blood.

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Meanwhile, Michael Madsen is hanging around as a crazy doctor who knows the truth behind the lumberjack man and is trying to stop his killing spree once and for all. No one actually believes him; even the hot forest ranger played by Brina Palencia doesn’t take him seriously, that is until she has a run-in with the jack man. The movie continues on for way longer than it should, trying as hard as possible to be funny, even Adam Sessler shows up as the God fearing head counselor (although, that’s probably the worst way to invoke humour). However, none of it works properly and more often than not, you will be sitting stone-faced counting down the minutes until the end credits roll around. But, hey, at least we have some boobies to look at and Ciara Flynn looks absolutely delicious in her underwear covered in syrup.

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[tabby title=”Reasons to watch”]

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• Boobies
• Gore
• Boobies
• Flapjacks
• Adam Sessler’s demise
• Ciara Flynn covered in syrup

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Lumberjack Man is trying as hard as possible to make you enjoy this movie, but unfortunately, every attempt falls flat on its syrup covered face. It’s got a wonderful amount of skin to gawk at and some gore to take in, but the acting, the story and the physically painful attempts at humour really make you want to throw this flick in the fire and go make some actual flapjacks instead – hold the blood.

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