Mountaintop Motel Massacre Movie Review

Horror
Release: 1986, Rating: R, Runtime: 95 min.

The 80s is full of so many “so bad, it’s good” movies, that you would have a hell of time not accidentally watching one. That’s what happened to me last night folks. I was browsing Netflix and came across the amazing cover for Mountaintop Motel Massacre and the name just screamed, watch me now! So, that’s what I did and I can honestly say, without any sort of doubt in my voice, this movie is awful, yet so freaking awesome…

Short nitty-gritty plot description from ME is as follows: Mountaintop Motel owner Evelyn, is crazy and does crazy things to people. Things are crazy at the Mountaintop Motel and things are starting to get a little crazy massacre-like. 

After an amazingly informative prologue (basically a still photo, with text on the screen) establishing that our killer, Evelyn, was in an insane asylum for a few years, we get introduced to her and her psycho ways. Okay, psycho might be an exaggeration, as she really just comes off as a little batty. Yes, she does slaughter an innocent bunny rabbit and sucker punches a goat, but still, you have to give her a break, as she just found out that her daughter is practicing dark magic in the basement and is trying to summon the spirit of her dead father. Okay, yes, she does also accidentally cut her daughters throat with a sickle, but come on, she’s a little stressed out as business at the Mountaintop Motel is currently poor.

A character who will soon be the best person you’ve ever witnessed in a horror movie.

Things are looking up however, well, minus killing her daughter, as a bunch of people show up to the motel all in the same day and thanks to a lightning strike, the road is blocked from a fallen tree, so ain’t no one leaving! So, who do we have at the motel? Well, we got the alcoholic Reverend, who becomes a little mean when you mention the liquor, so best not too. Next, you have Crewshaw, the most awesome character ever in a movie, as he does the smartest things possible and speaks the truth, like “this place should’ve been called Roach Motel” after finding roaches in his room, roaches released by Evelyn (more on that insane acts of insanity later). We also have two singing cousins, who accidentally drive off the road and decided to stand in the rain, wearing white t-shirts with no bras, so they’re pretty cool. They get picked up by Al, the main character, who has the hots for the cousins and tells them he owns Columbia Records and can give them a recording deal, but he would prefer it, if was a duet and not a solo album, if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge. (He wants a threesome.) Finally, we have the recently married cowboy and wife. He’s a little distraught that his wife doesn’t like the motel, as he spent a whole $7 on it for their honeymoon and you know, he can’t afford something like the Holiday Inn (I assume in the 80s, the Holiday Inn was something special?).

Woman! You think I’m rich or something?!? The marriage is off to a good start.

So, there’s our motley crew of honeymooners/stranded/just all around cheap motelers. How does such a fine group of people get targeted by a misunderstood old woman? Well, the dead daughters voice tells the mother to punish them of course. So, for the next hour and some, we watch Evelyn sneak through tunnels, which connect all the rooms and place a variety of snakes, cockroaches (told you I would get back to it) and rats into the rooms. This really only causes some minor annoyances, save for the snake, and I was starting to think this movie should’ve been called Mountaintop Motel Mishaps instead. However, the voice starts getting annoyed and tells Evelyn that the people must die!!! So, that’s what Evelyn does. She slowly sneaks up on people (and I mean slowly, as in the person could’ve punched the old woman in the face and caused her to fall and break a hip slow) and goes stabby stabby on them.

I’mmmm…goinnngg….toooo….stabbbbb….youuuu…eventually.

Thankfully, the mustached Al is coming to the rescue, with the help of Crewshaw, who was smart enough to nail all the hatches shut and when Al suggest going down into the tunnels, he promptly says “I ain’t gettin killed by some old white woman!”, God bless you Crewshaw, God bless you. However, the smart thinking can only last so long in a horror movie of this caliber and they do proceed to go into the tunnels and a hilarious game of cat and mouse ensues.

This guy’s got moves! 80s moves!

That’s were I stop with the spoilers folks, the rest is up for you to find out! Just know that everything is at stake and no one is safe, not even the poor bunnies and goats. I do have to say the ending makes no sense, which only makes this movie more epic. Also, the film is littered with goofs, like shadows of crew members, or unexplained light sources. This baby is crammed full of the good stuff!

That’s quite the candle. It’s amazing how it can light her up from behind and cast a shadow.

A “so bad, it’s good” movie is really hard to rate, as they normally are pretty damn awful and this one is no exception. Yet, I laughed so much and had such a good time, I need to figure out some sort of rating. How about we do two ratings, yeah that’s what I’m going to do and you’re going to love it, or else I’ll sic Evelyn on you and she’ll slowly, slowly attempt to stab you!

Real Rating:

Fun Factor Rating: 72/5

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