Thanks to Ryne at The Moon is a Dead World, I was blessed to see this Christmas gem, Silent Night, Zombie Night, also known as Silent Night, Oh My God Shoot me in the Head Night. You see, Ryne thought up a brilliant idea, in which he sends out random Christmas horror themed movies, to various people and they would have to write up some sort of article. He called it Gory Gifts of Christmas. I decided to join in on the fun and the movie I received, (along with a lovely Xmas gift pack, which consisted of chocolates, candy and a lovely note) was Silent Night, Zombie Night. I knew it was going to be a crappy movie, as that was the point of this joyous occasion, but I wasn’t prepared to witness a zombie movie, a Xmas themed zombie movie at that, which barely had any zombie action and the Xmas theme was superficial at best. Still, I fought through the movie and I wrestled with the idea of spoiling it all in my review, but I thought that wouldn’t be fair, as it is Christmas after all and I wouldn’t want to ruin this masterpiece for you. So, sit back, relax and watch me try to attempt to review this movie, sans spoilers, while expressing how much this shitty movie sucks mistletoe. Thanks Ryne, I see what your plan was all along, destroying my mind, one shitty barely Xmas, barely zombie movie minute at a time.
Tatlock’s Quick ‘n Dirty Recap: It’s almost Christmas and the scene is set, a Los Angeles setting, with porn movie quality set pieces and porn movie quality acting. Suddenly, zombies attack. Cut to two cops, one who is moving soon and the other who is a dickhead and is sadly the star of the movie. They get attacked by a zombie, suddenly cut to some other people, doing stuff, suddenly cut to something else and suddenly cut to the cops again, who are a doing stuff and finally randomly cut to a different scene, where a zombie may or may not be seen and suddenly I barf, as the editing is fraking awful and the movie decides to be about three friends, who are squabbling over their love lives. Hey, look! It’s Felissa Rose from Sleepaway Camp, who I met this summer at Summer Fear 2013. Now that’s an article which will probably make more sense and be entirely more enjoyable for you to read.
Tatlock’s Opinion: Silent Night, Zombie Night is a bad movie, a bad zombie movie and a bad Christmas movie. I could probably end this review right here and the world would be a better place. Still, I feel like maybe I should explain why this movie is really bad.
First, the movie squarely falls into the billion of other crappy zombie movies. Strike one. Second, the movie doesn’t seem to mind not really being Christmas themed. Oh yeah, there is a decorated tree here and there and a few lights over there, but that’s about it. It’s filmed in LA, so there is no snow and I’m pretty sure it was filmed during the summer, probably on the same block that filmed several porn movies. Strike two! Third, the movie spends a massive amount of time with the three main characters, who are all experiencing a lover’s quarrel, with one cop loving this girl and the husband cop (dickhead guy), who is married to the girl and the girl, who seems to not mind cheating on her husband. Hey, the world is ending, so screw it, right? It’s just so godawful boring listening to them bicker back and forth, fumbling over their lines. It’s awful. Strike three!
Three strikes and the game is usually over, but oh no, Silent Night, Zombie Night decides to go for a billion more strikes against it. Later on, we get introduced to a few more characters (Felissa Rose, who is criminally underused in a tiny, tiny role) and Lew Temple, who sits in an attic and tries to ruin his career. You may know Lew Temple from The Walking Dead series, so he obviously has zombie acting experience, but this movie manages to make it look like this guy hasn’t acted in a single movie before. Ouch! Strike gazillion.
Anything good? Well there actually is this really awesome part, by about the 82 minute mark. It’s pretty freaking cool and I’m not sure if I should ruin it for you. Uhh, screw it, I’m going to! Okay, just when you think the movie will never end, suddenly out of nowhere, the end credits start rolling! It was a freaking awesome thing to see and it probably was the best thing I’ve ever seen in this movie. Just absolutely freaking awesome! You definitely should see it for yourself. Just skip past the first 81 minutes and you’ll see it happen. You’ll thank me later, hopefully with money and gifts.
Other Rating: 5/5 (+5 for Ryne at The Moon is a Dead World, an all around great guy.)